February, 2011

Unravelling The Petals of Life: Whispering Tears

The over whelming weight my heart carried became too much to endure when dad had camouflaged his cancer telling know one. There was no time to except or prepare for his last twenty days. Dad needed me then, as you would need me seventeen months later. I’ve questioned myself many times, trying to understand the bitter animosity you carried toward me at that time. As my big brother we needed to be there for one another. I needed to be wrapped in your hug; a shoulder to cry on, to hear your voice tell me to be strong everything will be all right, as you always had done through out our childhood.

Instead, found myself in confrontation with and angry mean spirited man. Someone I’d met only on a few occasions through out life over silly stupid things. Unexpectedly, and quite shockingly, this dark leaden shadow dropped anchor during one of family’s weakest moments.Allowing this stranger to frighten and continue spewing condescending comments with selfish uncaring actions in disrespect of our dying father and other siblings– he may have been your stepfather but he cared for and loved all of you as his own. Saying nothing in response to the stinging words that have been tucked away deep inside to stew until they’ve burnt a hole in my heart.

In faith and prayer I stood bedside as you all passed on. I carried no regrets, only a comforting love and peace in my heart that we would all one day meet again. Finding inner peace in your death has been difficult. This heart has reached its maximum capacity of hurt it’s time to let go and exhale with understanding and forgiveness. Setting free all disquieting images of the hurtful words and actions, guilt and sadness, that have left me melancholia without any clarification of the why.

You’re love & light are always in my heart.